85 What You REALLY Need to Succeed at Weight Loss

 Hi, and welcome to the mindful shape podcast. I'm Paula Parker and I'm a life and weight loss coach. So you may have picked up on this podcast that I typically have a pretty structured outline and I really kind of know what I'm going to be talking about in advance and today's going to be slightly different.

So today, today I just have some broad notes. And I'm just going to talk and I also will just let you know that I'm pretty tired. So if you notice a bit of a difference with me, that's what's going on for me with the kids. I'm just going through some sleep stuff right now. So my daughter's going through some sort of sleep regression or something.

So she's up frequently. And my son is also decided that he also would like to wake up in the night. And want me to cuddle him in the middle of the night. So that's happening. All that to say, I am a little bit sleepy, but I think that we can just do this in a very relaxed way. So meet me here in this relaxed state and we will just take it from there.

So I just have some broad topics that I want to talk about based on a workshop that I did not too long ago with my reinvention course. So one of the things that I've noticed. That can get in the way of people being successful is that they don't know exactly where they're going. What I mean by that in terms of this weight loss journey is that they just can't imagine a life at their natural weight.

Say that's maybe 30 pounds less than you are right now, or 60 pounds or more, whatever that is. That is kind of like that. Weight loss that you would just almost you almost are afraid to speak it out loud because you don't think it's possible  That potentially could be your natural weight I think that your natural weight is something that you just decide for yourself and you just like an inner knowing that feels right for You and your body that's gonna change obviously depending on your age and your body structure But for many of us, it's a hard to just Imagine a life at that weight where we aren't dieting, where we aren't really depriving ourselves of food, where there's no deprivation or we're able to maintain that weight without counting calories or monitoring every little thing that we're eating.

That's different than paying attention, but what I'm talking about is being like overly vigilant. Which usually doesn't feel good  or not using food as entertainment, not using food as relaxation or as the main pleasure for many of us. We can't even imagine. a life like that. We don't really know where we're going.

All we know is that we want to get this weight off. And so what I want to do is just to invite you to expand your possibilities in terms of  what you want to create for yourself. Because I suspect that if it's more than just the number on the scale, and it's more about your relationship with food, your relationship with your body, your relationship with yourself, then that will help inform decisions and also invite some inspiration to why you're even up to the task.

So one of the things that I like to think about is a compelling reason or a compelling vision. So why do you Do we spend any time doing this at all? Well, one, it will help you get through subtle and intense resistance. So there's going to be natural resistance to any kind of behavioral change that you are trying to do.

That's normal. We can, you know, relate to that in any kind of thing that we're trying to do, right? We know that resistance comes up. So if we can connect to that compelling reason, that compelling vision, we can tap into that feeling in real time in your body that can really help you during these times of resistance.

Again, I call it compelling. Why compelling? Because it needs to be something that is interesting to your brain, that is inspiring to you, that is so compelling, a compelling future that's going to pull you forward, that's going to make it worth it. Okay. Again, it's going to be more than just the number on the scale.

It's going to be about an entire lifestyle and an entire vision that you see for yourself. So for example, if you decide That the purpose that you were up for this weight loss thing, or your compelling reason, or your vision is to live into the highest vision that is possible for you and your life,  then,  and that lights you up, then that is going to be something that you can easily commit to.

You can tap into that sense of commitment when the food is calling you, or you just don't feel like, you know, planning your protocol or allowing hunger or stopping it enough, any of that. You can tap into that feeling if you've decided ahead of time, this is not just about the number on the scale. This is about a bigger vision that I have for myself and for my life.

Why this works? The broader you can make it, the easier it will be to stick with it because then all of the little behavioral modifications that you're trying to make, all those little actions, like tedious work that you have to do for weight loss, they will fall under the umbrella of that compelling reason.

Okay. So for instance, a thing that comes up a lot for people, which just came up today and in the course workshop was about planning in advance. So oftentimes it, you know, for whatever reason, Many reasons, it does oftentimes fall to the woman in the household to do kind of the meal planning and think about that food inventory and that kind of thing. 

Why? We won't go into today. Okay. But let's just say that most likely either if you live by yourself or you're managing the household, you will at least 50 percent of the time, if not more, be thinking about what the meals are going to be. Okay. For your kids or just even for yourself. So If that is a strain, if that is stressful and that causes some negative emotion, you're like, I don't like doing it.

It's a pain. Then you're going to notice there's natural resistance. Okay. So you're not going to want to do it. So for example, if, if we put planning and planning your protocol into something that is going to help you get closer to what you want, then, and you see it, As part of living into that highest vision for yourself, right?

You see it as part of your compelling reason or that compelling vision, then that's the only thing that matters. Then you can ask yourself, okay, did I do it? Did I contribute to living into the highest vision for myself or not? Did I not contribute to that? That kind of is what it gets boiled down to. And if not, why?

It's often going to be about what you're thinking in the moment. So, how you're relating to planning. So if you're thinking, I don't really need to do it, or I don't want to do it,  that can lead to a feeling of permissiveness with food when it comes to having dinner. Because you don't have any guidelines, you don't have any plans, you haven't thought about this in advance, you might not even have the groceries.

So, there's going to be permissiveness. Of course, that will lead to eating past satiation, or overeating. And then, That results in, you know, you really are not setting yourself up for success. You're not living into that vision of yourself. That's going to lead to being at your natural weight versus you could think this is simply part of the broader picture of who I want to be.

So planning, it might not be my favorite thing, but it's something that I know will help me. increase the likelihood that I reach my natural weight, right? Or how it will get me closer to what I want. And this is me living into the highest vision for myself. So yes, is it tedious? Is it mundane? Is it one thing that I'd rather not do?

Of course. And it, it's meaningful because it's living into the highest vision for myself. It's part of my compelling reason, my compelling vision for myself. When I think that about something as simple as Planning ahead of time, then I will feel committed.  What does that allow me to do when I feel committed?

It allows me to carve out some time in my day to think about, okay, what are we going to eat this week? What are the dinners going to be? Do I need to do a grocery run or do I need to make a grocery order and have it delivered?  It helps me get organized and then of course when I'm organized, I'm much more inclined to follow through on my protocol.

Okay. Reducing that mind drama decisions in the moment. And then of course the result is I guarantee my success. I'm so much closer to creating the life that I want. Okay. So that's compelling reason, compelling vision.  Another thing I thought I would talk about is this concept of it's not better there than here because That can be hard to wrap your mind around when you're thinking no for sure like when I'm down 30 pounds It's for sure gonna be better and in a lot of ways, of course, it is going to be better But for a lot of our weight loss goals, it's gonna take a long time, right?

It's not gonna happen Instantaneously because if you're here, you're not doing something drastic and you're not doing something. That's not sustainable You're doing something that's more of a lifestyle change. And of course the body is just not going to drop You Like 10 pounds in a week. Okay. So I want to give you an example of how we can enjoy the benefits of that end goal.

In the meantime, of course, why? Because that goal could take a while. Okay. So we don't want the whole process to be miserable. So I have in my mind, a house that I really would love to live in. So it's on the market right now. Financially, we are a ways from,  from living in this house. Okay. So it's like multi million dollar house.

So I am not going to be buying this house anytime soon. But in my mind, it's like, I'm already there, right? In my mind, I have a relationship with this house. I already. enjoy already get to experience the pleasure of that house, even though I've never even been inside, right? I've seen the pictures. I can imagine what it would be like to live there. 

I am already experiencing the joy of achieving that goal of living in that house.  And I'm not robbing myself of that joy until I reach that goal, right? So I'm not going to wait until I can build up, you know, Until I have the money for the down payment. I'm not going to wait until we actually make an offer.

I'm not going to wait until that moment comes. I'm already going to enjoy it now.  Because if I don't, then it could make everything like saving the money when I could actually go for a trip instead or something like that. It could make it a lot harder. It makes it a lot harder in weight loss to do everything that's needed to reach the goal if you're miserable the entire time.

So I really want to offer some understanding if that's where you are, because it's not easy. It's not easy to allow hunger and stop at enough if that's what we're not inclined to do. It's not easy all the time to say no to highly palatable food. Okay, so I totally understand that. I'm, I totally get that.

And We don't want to be in suffering the whole time. We want to be able to capture some of that joy of our end goal. And we want a relationship with that end goal while we are doing the work because it's going to make it more fun along the way. Okay. So how do we do this by not just focusing on immediate results.

Although, of course, you want to be paying attention to that so that you can focus on your actions, okay? So, when things are, when you're feeling like you don't have access to any of that joy of that end goal because of your current results, that's an indication that you're focusing way too much on the results and thinking it's not happening fast enough.

So, what I encourage you to do is instead focus on the actions. So if you are feeling terrible because it's taking too long, it's going to be much harder to take action. So if you take the time to really take a look honestly, where have I been showing up in this process and where Is there opportunity for me to show up even more?

What skills do I need to learn? What beliefs do I need to change? What qualities do I need to cultivate? Like who do I need to be to be able to step up my game when it comes to weight loss and you might not be ready for the answer.  Because it might require you to change in some way that you really don't want to.

So I invite you to just be gentle with yourself and take a look at what, what's the minimum that I could change right now, even if it's just today in terms of an action that I could take that would align myself more with that result that I want.  I want to offer that what changes you.  So I know that you have in your mind, you're like, okay, I have that natural weight at the end and I am going to be changed person when I see that number on the scale,  but that's not actual change.

So for those of us who have been, you know, really tempted by taking weight loss drugs have seen perhaps other people around us who have taken weight loss drugs and they are rapidly releasing the weight. We might feel jealous. We might be secretly. Hoping that they will gain the weight back, right?

We're humans, we have a human brain. So if you're secretly hoping for the demise, don't worry about it, okay? It's okay. You're a human, right? It's okay, but just know that that's not real change, because the result does not mean that anything on the inside has changed.  And, and for those of you who are on any kind of weight loss drug or are really considering it, I have so much compassion because I completely understand that desperation and that kind of hopelessness that this is the only option, right?

And so even if there's negative effects, it's worth it for you. And I have no judgment if that's where you're at at all. I totally, totally understand.  All I'm saying is that that is not going to change you as a human being, just because your weight goes down. Doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be changed in any way.

The only thing that will change is what your pant size. Okay. What changes you truly is deciding to take on the process of releasing the weight. So the process that you undergo, the change, the growth required to become that person that can have access to not only releasing the weight, but maintaining it based on your relationship with food, based on your capacity to feel.

the whole gamut of human emotion instead of needing to  chase food and escape negative emotion.  So for example, think of something that you have decided about yourself. I am someone who maybe is an avid reader. I am somebody who's really organized. I am somebody who is a good friend. You have decided that about yourself.

And from that decision,  Then, you will notice that you take action that's in alignment with that decision about yourself.  So in this moment, you can decide, I am someone who, for whom, you know, food is not going to cause any drama for me anymore.  I am someone for whom  it doesn't take up any of my energy.

I'm not focused on how I look in my clothes in terms of I'm thinking I'm, I don't look good enough. That kind of thing. You can decide that you just don't do that anymore. Your focus is on something else. Your focus potentially could be on the actions and the compelling vision that you have for yourself.

Easier said than done, I know, but that is available. So I'll give you an example from my personal life. So I think I've mentioned this, maybe I've mentioned this on the podcast. I can't remember, but I'm doing physio. Maybe it was the last couple of weeks ago. Anyways, I, sorry if I'm repeating myself, but essentially I am doing physio again, and I told the physio person, listen, Whatever program you have for me, I'm going to do it.

Okay. So I am going to do it. I made that conscious decision, even though I secretly was thinking, maybe I'm this kind of person, I don't know for sure, but I'm going to declare it. I'm just going to decide that this, in this instance with this physio program, I am just going to do it. And so I said that to her and then I was, it made it so much easier to follow through.

And update. We just had a. session and it was so fun to get that positive feedback because she's like, wow, she's like, this is amazing. Like the strides you've made are incredible. And it was like, so rewarding to hear that. Right. So it does pay off. But most of us have this backwards. We think, okay, when I have the result, when I'm at my natural weight, Then I will be someone who is this way, who is the person I want to be, maybe who is like, doesn't get distracted, who can really focus and be present during their meals, who can stop when I've had enough and I'll be paying attention to what I'm eating  and I don't eat when I get stressed out, like I will just magically be that person.

But of course it doesn't happen like that. Of course it happens where we learn how to be that person first and then the weight loss happens as a result.  Especially it can be like, okay, I'm a person who can handle cravings. For some reason we think that if we just release the weight, then we'll figure out how to handle cravings.

But of course, it never happens that way. You need to learn how to be someone who can do that. You need to learn to be somebody who is adaptable, who is able to make decisions. Even when, say you have the perfect plan for the day, and then something gets, Messed up and then you can't eat according to your plan.

Maybe there's nothing on the menu. Maybe you get sick, maybe you're on vacation and things are just outside of your control. How do you handle that without going off the rails? That's something that you need to learn, right? And it's based, predicated on that person, that vision that you have for yourself of who you want to become.

It is not about the numbers on the scale, the end result. It's about who you get to become on this path, which by the way,  So just as a reminder, if you, again, if you're feeling like it's heavy, if you're feeling like you're suffering, just remember that you've chosen to release weight and you can stop at any time. 

Just consider that this is a choice and you Get to do it if you want to.  Now, let's talk about when I work with clients, I talk about creating a bonus result and a process goal. What am I talking about here? What I'm talking about is the process goal is something that you If you learn it, you would have it for the rest of your life.

So that would be a process oriented goal. Meaning maybe it's befriending hunger. Maybe it's not eating past satiation. Maybe it's feeling really in control when it comes to that one food that you just feel like when it gets put in front of you. All bets are off. So that's a process oriented goal that if you mastered that, you would have lifelong returns on that goal and your bonus result would be inevitable.

What do I mean by bonus result? The number on the scale. Something really tangible, something that's like a bonus from you learning how to implement this process, how to master your relationship with food yourself, your body, essentially with your brain.  I want you to think about for yourself what that might be, what maybe your bonus result might be, what your process goal might be. 

If you, for a second, if you were to remove that bonus result, just for a second, we know you want the goal. We know you're going to reach it. I believe in you. Okay. So whatever that goal is, maybe that's, you know, six pounds, 1660 over a hundred pounds, whatever that is, that's your bonus result. If we were to remove that from the equation, what is the process goal?

This could be a skill, this could be a quality that you want to manifest in yourself like patience or could be, well actually I'll go over it more in a second. So let's just hold this for a second. So skill, quality, or belief that you want to hold that you would like to achieve that is just as valuable to you as the weight loss. 

Just as valuable to you.  Okay, I want to do a quick little visualization exercise with you So I want you just to imagine that you're standing in the middle and you have two paths on either side Both are beautiful paths for you. Both are filled with Skills that you want to learn qualities about yourself that you would like to cultivate, like the kind of person that you are, when people talk about you, these are the kinds of things that they say about you, that you would just imagine, right?

Both of these paths include you living that vision of yourself.  There is Beliefs on either one of these paths. Okay. Beliefs about yourself, that you are an incredible person, that everything that you would ever wish to unbelieve about yourself, that is included. And then on one of the paths at the end is your bonus result. 

I want you to imagine on the other, there isn't, but there's this beautiful life. It just doesn't look exactly in terms of at the end, what. You had been hoping for in terms of your result.  And I want you to imagine that instead of going down the path with your bonus result at the end, that weight loss goal, you go down the other path. 

So you're still getting this beautiful life. You're still getting all these amazing skills in terms of your relationship with yourself.  Your relationship with food. You don't have any mind drama, any food drama, right? You feel in complete control  and you also have all these qualities like you're very determined person.

You're maybe you're ambitious. You're driven. You're beautiful. All of these qualities that you love about yourself, and you also have all of these beliefs that you just like really believe in, believe in yourself, like you have your own back no matter what.  That, I want to offer that that is just as valuable  as the path with your bonus result. 

What if that could be true?  What if just for a second, you just gave yourself permission? to want that.  Just that alone.  Does that change anything for you?  Does it relieve a little bit of the pressure?  What would it be like for you if it was just okay to have all of that?  What that's going to do for most of us is going to help cultivate some acceptance for where we are right now  and a little bit more buy in to the process. 

Let's talk more about what some of those skills, qualities, and beliefs could be in terms of, okay, if I'm not so focused on the result, I'm not so focused on that end number. Where do I put my focus that is going to tie  in or align me to my compelling reason, my compelling vision? Like, what am I even doing here?

Okay.  I want to offer that. This is some work that I've been doing in terms of really taking a look at who is successful in this program,  right, the program that I do, who is successful, what are the skills, qualities, and beliefs that they have. Hopefully this is going to be gold. For your brain because it's going to allow you some insight into where you can get the most bang for your buck, where you can put your focus, your energy, your time, your self coaching, all of that.

So you know that you're on the right track and you align with what you want. Okay. Skills. What are the skills that you want to master? Think in your mind as I say them, where do you have the most leverage? Is it overcoming obstacles? Right? Do you get derailed really quickly and you need to master, okay, when an obstacle gets put in my way, I need to have a plan.

I need to have a roadmap for that. Do you need to spend some time there? Next one is allowing and befriending hunger. Okay. Hunger is not the enemy. It's just like a natural response from our body. If we never allow hunger, then our body is never given the opportunity to use its fat stores. Planning and forecasting.

This is going to be the version of you that has the highest interest. in mind, not the version of you who's tired, hungry, just wants to eat the cereal in the pantry because there's nothing else. And you don't feel like cooking or going to the store, right? So of course we want to plan. We want to set ourselves up for success.

Next one is paying attention to satiation or just satisfaction, how you're feeling in your body when you're eating and after you're eating, paying attention, having that skill.  And of course, it's one thing to have that skill of paying attention, and that's another to stop at enough. Stopping when the food tastes delicious, stopping when your body feels like it's had enough food and you still have the desire to want more. 

Another skill is going to be managing your thoughts. So that's it. Two ideas here. One is okay. Awareness. Like what am I even thinking? Having the awareness of what's going on for you, justifications that you're making to overeat, for example. And then secondly, the ability to reframe. So just like I talked about in the beginning of this podcast, which was, you know, Oh, planning is tedious.

I don't have to do it. I don't like doing it versus wow. Okay. Yeah, I might not like doing it, but this is just a part of the highest vision that I have for myself because it's going to get me closer to my natural weight.  That kind of reframe. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that we offer a lot of reframes here.

I do this. There's no, we, I offer a lot of reframes. Okay. And then lastly, it's working with emotion. What do I mean when I say working with emotion? I mean, processing emotion. Also known as emotional regulation, right? Next is generating emotion. So that's okay. I need to cultivate some inspiration. I might need to tap into that sense of commitment and generating that on purpose.

And then lastly is just how you relate to emotion. What you might be thinking when you feel bored, for example, like this shouldn't be happening. I need to escape this. I need to escape boredom and chase food, right? Instead of. Okay, this emotion is here to tell me something. This emotion is energy in motion.

I need to move my body. I need to move it out of my body, right? Or simply, I can handle them. This boredom is not a problem. That's relating to your emotions in a new way.  All right. Qualities. Let's talk about qualities. What are qualities? Qualities are personal attributes that are innate or acquired over time, meaning you just kind of have them.

They're part of your personality or you can get better at them. You can become that kind of person. So what are the qualities that you want to embody? For example, how do you want to describe yourself? How do you want to think about yourself? Or if you overheard some people talking about you, what would you hope that they would say?

How would they be describing you? Would you love to hear that they were saying, wow, like she is so determined or she's very courageous? ambitious, committed, patient, resilient, like she just gets back up, right? She's very capable adaptable, driven. What are the types of qualities that you want to believe about yourself? 

And those ones that I mentioned, by the way, are very valuable in terms of weight loss. Okay, so consider cultivating them in yourself. What does it mean for you to be a committed person? What would that look like? How committed are you right now? How committed do you need to be and what's the gap? That's where your work is, right?

Okay, beliefs. What are the beliefs, which are reoccurring thoughts, thoughts you've had over and over and over again,  that you believe to be true? What are the thoughts that you want to have? For example, I am someone who makes things happen. I am someone who knows how to set a goal and achieve it.  I am someone who is undeterred by little to zero immediate results, rewards, payoffs.

This can be so invaluable when you get on the scale. If you do not need to see the scale, go down every single day and you can take action anyway. You can plan your protocol, eat healthy, allow hunger, not eat past satiation, even when You've had some time, a week, two weeks, where you've not seen any changes on the scale and you're able to stick with it without overeating. 

And you believe that about yourself?  Think of what's possible for you. Okay, other beliefs? It's possible for me to reach my natural weight in a sustainable way. For some of us, we don't really believe it, right? We kind of think we will have to eat in a really restrictive way, or that we will have to crash diet occasionally, or do these really long extended fasts, right?

So we don't think we can even eat in a sustainable  way. That's a belief that we might not have, but we could benefit, as could serve us, if we did believe it. Another one is weight loss is one path available to me for self discovery and connection to my body and myself.  It can be bigger than just about the numbers again.

Or it's possible for me to be someone who doesn't use food as entertainment, relaxation, or as a main pleasure. Like, that's a possibility. Like, I don't have to be someone who uses food as entertainment. Or relaxation or as a main pleasure in my life, that's possible, like just even planting the seed now that that's possible, right?

That's a belief that we can lean into. And then lastly, again, back to hunger, hunger is natural, it's healthy, it doesn't need to be immediately solved. It's not a problem to be solved. We don't need to immediately respond by eating. Okay. So  those are some notes that I had for you about how to focus on action, how to be less attached.

To the result and more attached to not attached. I don't know if that's the best word, but more bought in to the process and more bought into who you want to be. Like, what's your compelling vision for yourself? What, how do you want to show up when it comes to weight? What do you want to believe about yourself?

I feel like that is the real work. And that is what makes weight loss much more interesting and much more sustainable. Once we get the weight off. Of course, as we all know, it's more than eat less, move more. It's about all of this juicy, meaty stuff. Right. Okay. I will, if you're into this, make sure to subscribe to this podcast so that you get the new episodes.

I typically come out with a new episode every Wednesday. So please subscribe if you haven't already, and I will talk to you again soon. Okay. Bye.