Ep. 79 Success Mindset - Sarah’s Story

Hi, and welcome to the mindful shape podcast. I'm Paula Parker and I'm a life and weight loss coach. So today I have a treat for you. This is a client story, Sarah's story. And I called it success mindset because I think it's a really good example of an alternative to diet culture, kind of thinking in terms of quick results or quick fixes or that kind of thing.

So if you find that you tend to go there with your brain. This might be a really good one for you to listen to. Sarah was successful on her own before we started working together and she was releasing about one pound per month. And what we started to see is that even though she didn't identify as an emotional eater, there was some emotional eating happening, but really in subtle ways, but enough to prevent her from releasing any more than one pound per month.

So then when we started to address those issues, then she was able to release at a faster rate. So, I also want you to pay attention to her perspective on the scale. I think it's if you have any kind of scale drama,  I think Sarah is a great example of how you can reframe that so that you're actually using it to serve you rather than you're feeling like you're at the mercy of the scale.

So if you are somebody who avoids the scale, it only gets on there when you're hoping for a good number, then listen to what she has to say about that. Okay. Enjoy this episode.  

Paula: Tell me what prompted you to reach out  

Sarah: Oh, well, I had listened to your podcasts.  And I had thought this woman talks sense, and I had also had good experiences with coaching in other parts of my life previously.

So I generally thought it would be a good idea. I think I was most interested in just the feeling of actually luxury of getting personalized attention and feedback that I don't think I've experienced in sort of group stuff. Not that that's not also helpful. 

Paula: What, and what specifically were you hoping to achieve? 

Sarah: It's really hard to remember. Like obviously weight loss. But  I think what I appreciated from the outset in listening to your podcasts was a different kind of message. Also, I totally didn't believe you that you never are going to have to have a food diary again or whatever. And I was like, Oh, really?

Oh, really? But like, obviously that's very, for me, that was very appealing to Try something totally different and new compared to Noom or Weight Watchers or whatever where you have a much more kind of  personal accounting approach to eating. 

Paula: And are you, like we use the the data tracker and all of that.

Are you still, and you found that really helpful. Is that something that you're still using?

Sarah: Yes. So moving forward in my post regular One on one coaching sessions with you Paula Parker. Every day I weigh myself. I write it down in the tracker and I make, I do a little reflection right in the sort of one of the columns.

And then I make a plan for food. Or rather, eating, hunger,  satiation. And I also do morning pages, which I found to be very helpful as well. Which is like your, what is it, what do you call it, daily 15? But for me, because I really like it, it's daily 30. Which I find that helpful too. 

Paula: I feel like in the process, like you adopted it pretty quickly.

But what do you think was challenging for you?

Sarah: I mean, to decide to go for it a bit.  And also I think what was challenging in our  one on one sessions was getting asked questions that I didn't know how to answer  because like, I really want to know the answer, but obviously those were the most productive moments too.

Paula: Yeah. Tell me more about that. What were some of the like insights that you had? 

Sarah: I think some of the most productive conversations were ones in which, well actually where a lot of it wasn't about like, well, how's your eating going?  Almost surprised me. Initially, like how why to put the frame, you know I was like, why are we talking about this?

But actually, this was how my week was. So okay, we're going to talk about my crazy office. But I think in general, that encouraged me to reflect a little bit more widely. And maybe that's some of the most important  skill or practice. I hang on to taking forward, which is me finding 30 minutes of daily writing rather than 15.

Is  like I had thought, well, I'm, I'm interested in doing this because, you know, I want to lose X number of pounds. That's my goal. And I'm going to that. But actually, I realized that. What was happening in relation to me and food and weight was often the product of all these other things in my life. And so I think it changed my approach that the information I was getting on the scale was one kind of information among many different things.

And so it ended up being like looking at the scale number on the scale was like. Oh,  what's going on in my life that I'm not paying attention to that food is sort of showing up for me, which I guess is a different way of saying like, Oh, I realized I was an emotional eater  like plot twist. But, but that I think was a really significant insight for me, because I think I had had a lot of like, oh, I'm, I don't want to emotionally eat. What do you mean? I've got my act together, but I was like, hello, of course. 

Paula: Yeah. How has your relationship with food changed?  

Sarah: I think, how has my relationship with food changed?  I'm pickier in terms of more selective about when I want to eat crap. 

Like it really has to be good.  Definitely less accounting. In the sense of like food diaries or whatever. And I do pay more, much more attention to being hungry,  but I found that I can't like, I'm not, I've also found that like, I can either have a significant, if I want to see the number on the scale, get smaller, go down.

I can either have a significant amount of  hunger  or,  and, and some exceptions or zero exceptions and a much lower level of hunger. So I think I've also, so it's not as though there's no. Sort of, you know, balance sheet going on, but like that I have really noticed and then I'm not really into being super hungry all the time.

Well, or whatever, like I'm happy to be like hungry in the morning, but I don't want to have significant levels of hunger throughout the day. And, but I, and it's not that difficult for me not to have exceptions.  So, but like, I think I play around with things a little bit differently than, you know, this was one point or whatever.

Paula: And then what did you find was maybe easier than expected? Or what did you find easier? 

Sarah: I really like filling in the tracker.  That was not, that wasn't like a hard or easy thing. That was like, Oh, I get to fill this in today. But it also helped to re like, I found actually committing to weighing myself every day was harder than I thought it was going to be.

Paula: Oh, interesting. Why do you think? 

Sarah: Just a lot of resistance. Like, Oh, maybe the, I'm not going to like the number. I just, I'd just rather not know. Pretend it didn't happen, you know, which is I still feel that sometimes. But I just know that. That's the best way  that, you know, I'm weighing myself a day and then like sort of tracking how I'm doing in whatever form is the best way to keep paying attention. 

Okay. And I feel like paying attention is the key thing and it's not like every second of every hour of every day, but every day.  Yeah, what are you and as opposed to saying like a fuck it, you know, that would be the opposite of paying attention.

Paula: Why do you think that you have been successful in this program,  

Sarah: Because I think it's pretty straightforward. I think the design, like it's not rocket science. I'm sorry. It's wonderful. Like,  there's not too many things to remember. What are exceptions? Sugar? Bread? Flour? Alcohol? Like, that's not, that's, okay, I recognize those as things, you know. 

Paula: What are you most proud of?  

Sarah: What am I most proud of?

I'm most proud of having  made a conscious decision to look after myself to think about, so I was,  I was thinking about how I was planning this week and like to think more holistically, like if I know, so this week I have a lot of stuff that's unusual that needs doing. So like part of paying attention in terms of weighing myself every day, paying attention to what I'm eating, paying attention to how hungry I am, whatever, that's effortful.  And  there are different, week by week, I'm going to have You know, all like it's all sort of about setting your intentions and like some intentions are much more effortful than others and actually trying to think just the same way of like, okay, I can either be really hungry.

I can either be significantly hungry or have some exceptions.  You know what I mean, what I said before,  in a similar way, like, in the course of a week, if I have lots of things that require a lot of effort.  Like, maybe that's not the week to have zero exceptions and have lots of hunger, you know, to like, think about it as I am not this person.

So, in terms of being nicer to myself, I'm not this person who has an infinitely expanding set of capabilities, like I can do certain things.  Like anybody can, but if when I ask too much of myself, I suppose that's a different way of saying it. If I ask too much of myself, it's a really self defeating strategy.

And so I think what I'm  most proud of is watching that and saying, and kind of auditing that, you know, have the accounting being there rather than points. And this apple is however many points it's like, actually, am I asking too much of myself this week? What can I shed? 

Paula: Right.  And how that affects your protocol, changes that you make.

Sarah: Completely. And paying attention to like, I know if I have lots of meetings, if I'm working at home and I have lots of meetings, after those meetings, I want a distraction. And so like, I'll find myself in the kitchen and I'll be like, Oh look, here I am in the kitchen.  I wonder if I could have a 20 minute walk instead because it's just like wanting a something to  sort of chill out, relax, decompress.

Paula: But now without food.

Sarah: Yeah. And then it's like, whatever it could be food. But if that's not, if I'm not hungry, then probably that's not a good idea. There are better ideas. And if I'm a little bit more in the habit of paying attention to what's going on in a bigger sense. You know, then I don't have to constantly ask myself, Oh, am I hungry?

It's like, that is the most tedious thing.  

Paula: So one of the things that really stood out in terms of my clients that you, where you were different was your patience.  So you were, you were never in a rush. It seems like you are always taking the long term view of being like, I understand this is going to be a long term process.

And I'm okay with that. Tell me about how you were able to get there in your head. 

Sarah: So I didn't start working with you at the beginning of a weight loss journey, right? So I had already lost some weight over several years. And it was when I looked at that and the pattern over whatever now, like five years.

And I was happy.  But like, you know, it was not, that was a less than one pound a month pattern. So I was like, Oh, this is that, okay. Doing that math in my head. All right. I see where we are, you know? So it was both the kind of acceptance of what I had done was probably going to continue to be achievable, but also like, I'm pretty happy with where I am.

I have no complaints. Like if this is it, this is fine,  but it's not going to be quick.  So many stints of like by X day, you know, that's 10 weeks from now. I'll be 10 weeks. It's like that never worked and it's just like frustrating. So I think I was also tired of that.  

Paula: Why do you want to keep going? Cause you said I'm fine where I'm at.

Sarah: Yeah, because I, I, cause I want to, honestly, I don't have any better reason. 

Paula: Yeah. I love that reason. I asked that because I want people to hear that because oftentimes that comes up and it's like, well, you can just do it because you just want to, not because you hate your body, not because you're living up to some idealized standard, nothing like that.

You get to do it just because you want to. 

Sarah: And also I'm curious. Yeah. I'm just curious. And why not? It's not like I'm raising money to cure cancer. It's just, I can just do this because I want to do it. And it also, it's so funny because the insights that it has led to, I think are super healthy and productive. 

So that in itself is a win.  But the rest is just gravy.  

Paula: What do you think you've learned that's made the biggest impact or a big impact? 

Sarah: The number on the scale is a really helpful pointer to examining what's going on in the rest of my life rather than something in and of itself. With inherent value, like it's a useful tool, it's a useful kind of, you know, like what's the temperature outside?

Like literally it doesn't matter what the temperature is outside, but it tells you about how you might want to engage with your day. So it's not like valuable in and of itself, but of course it is when taken  to think about, Oh, is that, is that where I, is that what I thought was going to be happening?

Or wow,  what a treat, you know?

Paula: but I love that. I think part of the reason that you are able to get there is because you're seeing, you're asking the right questions, right? When you see the number, you're like, Oh, this, this has information. What information does this have to tell me? But you don't make it something like an evaluation of self or you did wrong or any kind of judgment.

It's like, oh, this is interesting. Why might this be? How can this maybe show me something I didn't know before? 

Sarah: And sometimes if like the number goes up, it's, it's actually like, I'm not thrilled necessarily, but it's like,  Oh yeah,  you know, like, in fact,  what I was told is correct or what I have worked out is right.

If I'm not, you know, I can either have hunger levels, or I can have zero exceptions. And if I mix that up,  there's a really consistent results. You know? So it's both I think it's reassuring in the sense that I know what to do. 

Paula: Oh, I always love this question is what do you wish other women knew when it comes to releasing weight? 

Sarah: That it totally doesn't matter.  I wish I had known that. Other stuff is bigger.  Concentrating on the other bigger stuff will, is about  being at your natural weight.  Also. And I think, I don't think any of us have a natural weight. I think there are natural ways for different parts of your life, but I think  focusing on that as a way,  a number as an end in and of itself  is for me has always been really self defeating. 

Paula: Yeah. I love that paradox that it matters and it also doesn't matter equally.

Sarah: So yeah, that was really hard to figure out. I was like, why is she saying we have to weigh ourselves all the time? If it doesn't matter? Of course it matters. If it didn't matter, we wouldn't get there. But so, but I think I got there in then.

It's one measure of what's going on with lots of different parts of you,  unlike height.  I always hope I'm going to get taller. Never happens,  but like, I'm not invested. I'm like, this is my height. Okay. I'm probably going to get shorter.  I'm kind of sad about that, but I accept it.  

Paula: What's next for you? 

Sarah: Just keeping on doing what I'm doing. I really like routine.I really find it soothing. So I'm not going to really change what I'm doing on this score anytime soon. 

Paula: And it obviously feels very sustainable for you then.  

Sarah: Yeah, yeah. But again, long term, you know. Sustainable also means Not being in a hurry and you know, it's like, I don't think about, you know, you have that great podcast of like, be the way you are your goal weight right now.

I was like, yes, that is my only option. And also it's like process, not product, right? I mean, obviously I'm invested in the outcome,  but the process itself of  experimenting with different things, reflecting, being curious. I think that's really helpful for lots of different challenges in life, including the class. 

Paula: Oh, that was such a good way to wrap up. Thank you so much. 

Sarah: It's a pleasure.