Ep. 78 Secret Eating

Hi, and welcome to the Mindful Shade Podcast. I'm Paula Parker and I'm a life and weight loss coach. So in my most recent workshop, I shared a story of when I used to work at lululemon and there was a colleague that I just started being friends with and we were gonna have a movie night. And so we went to her house and when I got there, she said let's go and get some snacks.

And so we go to Whole Foods and She is literally putting like everything in the in the cart like all the foods like all the snack foods like an unreal amount right and so I'm thinking like Wow, this is pretty bizarre, not because of all the snacky type so called unhealthy foods that she was putting in there because she's like a fit person and not even the quantity because I had definitely done that type of thing before when I was having a little food party for myself watching movies, but it was just the fact that she was so candid about it that she was like, no apology, no shame.

She was going to buy all this food and then we were going to watch a movie and just eat it all. Just, you know, eating to excess. So the reason I entitled this secret eating is because I think that oftentimes if you were like me, you didn't eat to excess in front of anyone else. For some of you, I know that there is an overeating dynamic with your partner perhaps, and they can so called get away with it a little bit more because of their metabolism or something.

But for many of us, if we are overeating because of the types of foods that we're choosing or the quantity of food, then we are doing it in secret. And because I'm a weight loss coach, I hear a lot of these stories. And so I know that this is going on and you might be thinking that you are the only one doing this.

And I just want to assure you that you're not. So let's talk about that today so that we can just bring some awareness around it. Maybe de shame it or un shame it.  I I've been hearing that term lately, un shaming, and I just think it's very, I'm going to use it all the time now because it's very invaluable.

And I mentioned that workshop. I'm going to be doing another free workshop in March, I think, so if you are not on my email list already be sure to do so so that you can get the details on that if you want to come to free workshops. Okay, so let's define What I mean when I'm talking about secret eating so that we're just on the same page.

I'm talking about any type of eating which is like thinking about the type of food or the quantity of food that you really wouldn't do in front of another person. So let me give you some examples. This is how I see this show up. And I share these again, just to remind you, remind your brain that you are not the only person who has ever done this.

Okay. So there's no shame in this. I'm not calling you out.  These are just some examples. Okay. So one is your partner goes out of town or steps out even for a few hours and you either intentionally plan on overeating, or you kind of just find yourself Scanning the cupboards without really being physically hungry at all. 

Maybe you do that, you overeat, and then you  take care of all the evidence of the crime. So you are washing all the dishes, maybe replace any food that you overate, and you hide the packaging before they get home so that they don't. They don't see what has been going on.  Number two is it's the end of a long day and you're find yourself alone in the kitchen and you're just grabbing handfuls of this or that like dried cranberries or chocolate chips in the cupboard. 

Number three.  Maybe you've had a party and everyone has gone home and you are simply tidying up, but while you're tidying things, you're just eating all of the remaining food. Or maybe you're having a second piece of cake.  And then my last example is you go out and you make healthy choices when you're with other people, but then maybe on the way home you get fast food or you snack in the car because you're by yourself.

So again, this is just to normalize some of this behavior. We can be very critical of doing these things and think this isn't normal,  but I'll offer it's probably a lot more normal than you think. But of course, you know, just because it's normal, it doesn't mean it's serving us. So what is the impact here?

Number one, it creates what I think of as like a charge around food. So it's no longer neutral. It's pretty far away from I can take it or leave it when it comes to food. So if it's the case for you that you're thinking, well, I only eat this food alone, which means I can only have it when my partner or my family isn't around, this is my only chance.

If you're thinking that, that's going to create a lot of desire and urgency, even some panic, to just get in as much as possible. That's what I call an over desire for food. It builds up more desire for food than is in alignment with your natural weight and your weight loss goals.  Number two is this kind of becomes a habit the secret eating so your brain is queued up to eat any time You're in this kind of situation So your brain is offering thoughts and suggestions for food, which again just creates an over desire So if we're preoccupied, we're not thinking about food.

We don't want it. We don't have any desire, right? You're busy you you're busy at work or whatever. You're not thinking about food Zero desire. When we have that cue based on our environment, similar situation, like we find ourselves alone, then we start thinking about food and that desire grows. Number three in terms of impact is on our self concept.

So I think this is a really significant one because we see ourselves showing up like this and then we think there's something wrong with us. We think we shouldn't be doing it, and we feel lots of guilt and maybe shame. We're ashamed of our behavior. We're ashamed of ourselves, I should say. So, if we go down that shame spiral, we're much less likely to then, from that place, treat ourselves well and kindly, with kindness. 

We're very unlikely to make really good and healthy decisions for our body. Because that state of mind is taking up real estate in your brain, this can also show up physically, so you're more tired, you have brain fog, you get distracted easily. And the biggest problem with this self concept thing is that we start to think this is who we are.

And how it will always be for us around food. This is just reality with a capital R. We have a very hard time imagining something different for ourselves. Okay, so when we think of our partner going away, or there being leftover food from a party, we can't really imagine ourselves not having all of that overdesire for food.

We can't imagine ourselves not wanting the food. We think we will always want it. Always have that overdesire and it will feel really restrictive or there will be lots of deprivation if we tell ourselves no. So we aren't very motivated to change because who wants to sign up for tons of restriction and deprivation?

So if it has all of these negative consequences, this negative impact, why do we do this? Why do we eat in secret?  Maybe people have made comments to you in the past about what you're eating, like Do you really think you should be eating that? Or maybe your partner is naturally thin and doesn't eat the foods you really want to eat.

Even if they would never say anything, you would feel judged or embarrassed for eating those foods. Another reason is that there are other emotions that are creating this over desire to secretly eat. So, some of the reasons that we want to eat in secret is that sense of freedom that comes with the privacy.

Finally, I can have whatever I want. No judgment. No one will ever know. There's that sense of aliveness or excitement that we feel if we're thinking we're kind of getting away with something, right? We shouldn't be doing it, but we kind of want to do it anyway. That kind of thing. Or it could be more like out of boredom or loneliness.

Because we are alone and we have some negative thoughts about that, negative feelings about that, right? Any kind of general unease or dissatisfaction with your current circumstances, when you're alone with your own brain, you know, the fact that maybe you're not so happy in your relationship right now, or maybe you're not so happy on, in the, in your job or the project that you're working on, right?

Maybe there's something stressful going on at work, anything like that. When you're alone, that's going to creep up and it can lead to desire. for food.  What can we start doing about this? Let's give you some practical tools. I've mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again. Try to think of food as being on a continuum rather than good or bad.

Like if you're thinking, Oh, this is, this food is off limits for me. When you think of food as being on a continuum, you can think of it as like food that serves you in terms of how you want to feel in your body and is supportive of your weight loss goals. And then it's just a matter of degree to which that food meets that criteria.

That's how you can start thinking about food, rather than black and white, good or bad.  When you tell yourself, I can't eat this certain food, not all of us, but most of us are going to just want it more. Why? Because when something is forbidden, it is more desirable. Period. Okay?  Decide there are no foods that you will avoid eating in front of other people.

So these might be foods that you don't trust yourself around or your really guilty pleasure foods. There's really an opportunity here to reduce that charge that food has by just reminding yourself that there's nothing bad about eating a food. It's just food. It's food in your mouth. It can be that neutral.

If there's a food that you wouldn't want someone else to know that you're eating. You want to really ask yourself why. What are you making it mean that you're eating that food? What do you think it says about you? Or what do you think about eating it? Right, you get to question all of that. And you just get to look at your, there's no like right or wrong answers.

It's just looking at, do you like the answers to those questions?  And then lastly, Well, actually, no, I have a couple more, but figure out what are the underlying thoughts and emotions that are driving that desire to secretly overeat. So I'll give you a client example. So I had a client who her husband would go away and still goes away quite a bit for work.

And her thought previously was, I can't handle everything on my own, just family household to run.  She was feeling overwhelmed and scared every time he would go away for work. So when she feels like that, she would turn to food to soothe those intense feelings and overeat. But when we coached together, we took a look at that thought that was creating that.

It was a thought that she wasn't even aware of, the thought that I can't handle everything on my own. She was able to bring that from her subconscious thinking and realize that that was actually creating that feeling of overwhelm and being scared. And that is actually what was leading to desire for food.

Once we know what our thoughts and feelings are, we bring that into conscious awareness, then we can change it. So then she was able to access something different. She has tons of evidence for when her husband has been away for work over a number of years and she handled everything just fine. She says the house didn't burn down.

The kids were fine. They got off to school. The whole bit. So there wasn't actually any reason to be scared. Now in the beginning. Her body was still going to have that automatic response, that feeling of overwhelm and fear, but because she was aware of what was causing it, she could catch it and remember her, what I think of as like an anchor thought, that of course she can totally handle it when he's away.

Just reminding herself of that fact, or that thought, I should say, right, is, creates, or reduces those feelings of overwhelm and feeling scared. Thereby reducing the need to soothe at the same time, right? So reducing all of that overdesire, much, much, much less likely to overeat.  Lastly, what are the emotions that you're trying to generate with the food?

When you can figure that out, then you can go to work on trying to generate those emotions in other ways. For example, what can you do when you're alone that feels indulgent? luxurious or relaxing or fun, or gives you that sense of freedom or maybe even that sense of rebellion. Now that I'm thinking of it, that would be kind of interesting.

I'd like to hear from you what you came up with, but maybe it's just being really, really lazy and watching all the shows. Okay. Booking a pedicure or massage. Maybe it's dancing in your living room with the music pumped, just things that you would never do when your partner is around or your whole family is around.

Okay. So  I hope this was helpful in terms of unshaming. Any kind of secret eating that's going on. Okay, so it's probably more normal than you think it happens for very valid reasons that I mentioned  But it's not serving you So if you want to change it, you'll want to think of food as a continuum be wary of having any food That's forbidden decide that there's really going to be no foods that are going to you're going to be shameful around, like there's no foods that you're going to not eat in front of anybody else that you would only eat alone. 

Of course, I think the most important one is figure out what the underlying thoughts and emotions that are happening when you're alone that are driving that desire.  And then lastly, are there other ways that you can generate the emotions that you want to feel like freedom or like relaxation or like fun and then do that.

And at first you're not going to, for your brain, it's not going to be a huge reward. Like it's not going to be the same reward.  Having a bath is not going to be the same reward for your brain as eating a pint of ice cream. It's just not. So in the beginning it's going to be more of a challenge and your brain is not going to get the same reward.

But over time you will kind of balance out. your brain chemistry and you will get a big reward from things like dancing in your living room, getting a pedicure, having a bath because you're not  having that overstimulation with things like ice cream, concentrated pleasure. I've referred to it like that in the past. 

Again, hope that was helpful and I will talk to you again soon. Okay, bye.