Ep. 130 Directing Your Desire

This transcript was auto-generated, please forgive any weirdness.

  Hi, and welcome to The Mindful Shape Podcast. I'm Paula Parker, and I am a life coach specializing in weight loss. So last week I sent out an email sharing a brief personal story about noticing my thoughts around food, my level of desire for food, and that being. A wake up call for me. So if you are not on my email list and you would like to be, you can sign up on the free resources page on mindful shape.com. 

Now, the Mindful Shape method, that's my company name. The method that I use in my coaching program is based on the idea of over desire, that you want more food than your body needs to reach your desired weight. And then we get into these overweight bodies because of over desire and desire, of course is wanting something.

So there is a physiological component to that over desire where you might be insulin or leptin resistant, and so you have lots of hunger and you have cravings. You crave sugar or you crave carbs, you need more food. Than other people to feel satisfied at meals or to feel satiated. And so of course we need to address that through diet and lifestyle changes.

That's the body part. So your body wants more food than it needs, but there's also a mind part, the psychological component. To over desire for food in which your brain wants more food than it needs. So we need to address this using our brain. This is the desire that drives you to continue eating. Even when you feel sated, you feel satiated because you want the meal time to keep going.

Maybe it tastes delicious. You eat when you're not even hungry, but you just want something crunchy or you want something salty, or you want something sweet, or you have just had dinner and then you're watching your show and you feel the desire to make popcorn or have ice cream or even a piece of fruit.

Okay, so you get it. There are many ways to reduce that psychological over desire. And today I wanna teach you one in particular, which is the concept of. Directing your desire intentionally on purpose.  We have a limited amount of daily energy, right? We can all agree on that. So we can influence that level of energy by getting a good night's sleep, drinking lots of water, taking electrolytes, moving our bodies. 

Meditating, drinking coffee, all the things. But at some point there's a limit. And I think our capacity for desire is the same.  There's only so much desire, which requires energy and thought we can generate in one day. So if that's the case. The question then becomes, where are you placing your desire? So imagine a pie chart that's a hundred points and maybe say a day, that's your desire capacity.

Now let's take a look at your day, or maybe you can do this for your week. And then we extrapolate to, you know, a month or year or your life, what portion on that pie chart of desire is devoted to excess food? What portion is devoted to alcohol? How much is on what you wish was different but is outside of your control? 

Wanting your partner to be different or wanting other people to change, wanting to be younger or more attractive, wanting to escape. That one hits home for me. Like do you find yourself on your phone or your computer more than you'd like turning to screens like social media or entertainment to escape portion of your pie of your desire?

Pie, right? Is wanting to escape.  It reminds me of when you are dating someone and you've got that new relationship energy,  so much of your desire is being placed on that person. I recently found an old journal, so I've had a journal since I was in grade four, and I. I, you know, did this massive overhaul where I got rid of all of them, except I kept a couple.

And one of them that I kept was when I first started dating my husband because  when I, I found it recently and I was reading through it and it is so fun to,  you know, you forget. But it is so fun to look back at that time and remember all of the highs and lows and all of my thoughts and.  I remember I wrote something about like, you know, this probably won't turn into anything.

It probably won't go anywhere 'cause he's like five years younger than me. But you know, it's really fun and I really like him and all this stuff. It's very cute to like go back and read on that, right? That's that new relationship energy when you were in that state. The other person can do no wrong in your eyes.

Right. You wanna spend every minute with them. You don't even have an appetite for food. Your desire for food is like five points on that pie, right? Your desire to work out and look good is maybe 30 points, right? That gets a little activated. You wanna look good for that person and the rest is allocated for them.

All your desire is on this crush or this person that you're falling in love with.  I think what happens with desire is that. It hasn't occurred to us that it can be directed. We're kind of just living on default or by habit, rather than directing that desire to where we want it to go.  So I've been working with this concept personally, and I also have one client in particular who's released 30 pounds now, and she said it made all the difference for her. 

So what I've noticed for me is that when I actively put my desire on fitness, working on my body. Getting my body more agile, stronger and more flexible. It's easier to do my workouts. I'm more apt to notice changes in my body and appreciate them more. I'm more interested in taking on challenges, like I'm learning how to do the splits right now, which I'm probably about two years out from being able to achieve it, but it, it's not about.

The end goal, it's about the practice and the commitment to it, right? So I'm focused on things that are more about physicality rather than aesthetics. And there's nothing wrong with an aesthetics goal at all. Who doesn't want the look of more toned arms? Right?  And there can also be just an appreciation for that physicality or that health element on my husband.

So we've been together. 10 years this October  when I actively remind myself about all of his good qualities and constantly tell myself, remind myself how he's the perfect person for me. I cultivate desire. I find evidence for that. I notice that the way he responds to my specific personality or my defensiveness is a perfect match for me.

Someone else might not be so cool with how I act sometimes, right? They wouldn't be as cool and collected as he is. I have to constantly remind myself of this. After 10 years of being in relationship,  my kids, my business, my house.  To say having kids has been more stressful than I anticipated would be an understatement.

And so what helps is to cultivate presence.  That one has been maybe, well, it's one of the best lessons I've received from being their mom. Being present is such a cliche. I almost cringe when I say it. But if I am, and you know, because of that, I've kind of ignored when people say, be more present, I just kind of ignored it  if I'm being honest.

But truly, when I can slow down and pause when Ray is in the bath and she's, you know, pouring water everywhere with her little cups, or Tristan is telling me another outrageous story about a goblin hiding inside a wolf, I access that desire inside of my body. The wanting of being there in that moment with them, of noticing them and being fully aware, fully engaged, fully present of wanting to be their mom, and the appreciation of that I. 

These are all things that I already have that I practice wanting on purpose. The best feeling in the world is when you want what you already have. So you can do that by directing your desire there, you'll get more pleasure out of them. You working on improving these parts of your life will have, will just come with more ease. 

So you can place desire on what you already have. Then you can also place desire on what you don't have, but you would really love to have things that you can work towards. Maybe for you that's a project, things that you wanna create or make, you know, manifest in the world. Experiences that you wanna have, trips coming up, the type of home you want to live in.

How much time are you spending on these things? Your desire. Drives your direction, what you invest your time and money on, what you do, the actions that you take. So whether you start that project because that desire has been, you know, stirring in you for so long that you just have to do it, or whether you put it off.

I very rarely use the word should, but I'll use it here.  Directing our desire is something we can and should be doing on purpose.  If desire drives you and it does, what parts of your life will you direct it to?  Think of wanting as an active process so you can want with purpose and intentionality.  So obviously this can help you when you want to release weight because you're transferring your desire onto your life rather than excess food.

When your desire for food goes down from an over desire to a more natural desire, you won't want to eat as much or as often, and weight loss is inevitable. But here's a bonus for you, and I think this is so juicy.  How can we place desire on the process? Of releasing weight, the things that you need to be doing to release weight even more than your goal weight or that clothing size that you wanna be. 

Let's figure out how to make eating only when you're hungry, stopping at enough and choosing foods that serve you highly desirable to your brain. Like how do we make these things more interesting, more attractive, something you actually crave. Let's start with some particular challenges. I wanna give you some examples so you can see how thinking about them differently can make them more desirable.

What we're doing is placing desire on them. We're allocating some more of that pie chart to them.  Let's go over some common ones I hear a lot, which is, you know, obstacles that get in the way of us wanting to reach our desired weight. Not snacking after dinner, not snacking in between meals, putting the fork down even when the food is really delicious.

Having a taste of something, but not the whole thing or saying no to a glass of wine. So let's start with not snacking after dinner. You know what feels amazing when you go to bed and you're not stuffed, right?  I'm sure  at one point in your life you had the experience when you went to bed and you were overly full.

Nothing feels worse than that, but what feels great is when you feel light, you feel good in your body, you know you're gonna have a. A deep rest, you're gonna sleep well because your body can access that rest because you won't be digesting for hours and hours. Also, you know, intimacy is an option because you feel so good in your body. 

Next one is not snacking in between meals. So I have a client who has been struggling with this, especially you know that three to five, and she decided she would make it a goal to feel hunger. In between meals. So a goal means that it's something you want, it's something that you wanna achieve. You want to achieve that goal.

So it's four o'clock and you want a snack because you're, you know, you're a little bit hungry. Great. You are right on track. That hunger will fade. It comes in waves, right? It will fade temporarily until it's time to eat at dinner. And then you'll really enjoy your dinner because you will be. Really hungry for it.

So think of something that you are currently trying to escape and see if you can make it a goal to experience it.  Next one is putting the fork down when the food is delicious.  I have noticed that in our, in North American culture anyway, there is so much admiration for self-discipline. It's glorified.

The more disciplined you are, the better you are. Okay? If you subscribe to any level of that, even a small degree, right? Then this is an opportunity to practice being a disciplined person. You pause. You're relaxed, you feel in control. You're a highly disciplined person because you want more. You wanna keep eating, but you can handle not doing it.

You can handle not having more handling. That is powerful and you are powerful.  Having a taste of something, not the whole thing. I want you to imagine a beautiful Parisian woman at a cafe. She's got her coffee, she's got something decadent in front of her. She's very elegant. She's sophisticated, kind of glamorous, right?

She's not obsessed with the food. She tastes it. She enjoys it. She receives pleasure from it. And she moves on. You wouldn't say, oh, she's being really restrictive. No, she enjoys it, but it's just food.  And then the last one, last example I have for you is saying no to a glass of wine saying, no, this can be a glass of wine or this can be kind of a dessert or anything that you feel a real charge around that you, that's like a trigger food for you.

It's hard to say no to saying no can really mean whatever you want this to mean. That's desirable to you. It might mean you are someone who cares about your health. We know alcohol isn't healthy. It could mean that you are somebody who prioritizes sleep and you care about yourself enough to optimize getting a good sleep.

That's, of course, never a guarantee, but we can set the right conditions in motion to optimize for that. You are someone who wants to feel their best the next day, have the energy to live your life, work projects, do the movement or the exercise that you wanna do. Those things are important and you need to be at the top of your game.

You've got big goals, and you need a healthy brain to achieve them. Okay.  Or during that night that you are tempted by the wine. You wanna clear head, you wanna be focused in the conversations that you have, and you really wanna genuinely connect with other people. Ask them thoughtful questions. You are not somebody who's concerned with what others might think about you not drinking, not because you don't care what other people think, but because you care about what you think.

Even more, and what you think is that you're better off without it.  Nothing is more attractive or powerful than someone who knows their own mind and is decisive.  The process of weight loss gives you opportunities to step into that identity every single day.  So I hope you will consider this as a concept to adopt for yourself.

If nothing else, take inventory as to what does that pie chart look like for you? That's your capacity for desire. Where is your desire going by default? And then where might you wanna make some changes in terms of what you wanna be spending your time desiring? And if you do that, what might the implication be?

You might notice. You're getting more of what you want, you might notice it's a little bit easier and you might notice that  you just feel more powerful because things are more intentional in your life.  Alright, I hope that was helpful. I'll talk to you again soon. Bye.