Ep. 47 Feeling Like You Need a Break
Hi and welcome to the Mindful Shape podcast. I’m Paula Parker, and I’m a life and weight loss coach. Do you ever feel like you just need a break from trying to lose weight? Let’s talk about why that happens, how to prevent it and what to do about it.
I’m going to kick off this episode with a little story time. A little trip down memory lane with the most famous break (or rather break up) in tv history: from our beloved sitcom Friends. Of course I’m talking about the infamous debate - were Ross and Rachel on a break? Now I know we’re not talking relationship break ups here, we’re talking about needing a break from your weight loss efforts but I promise you, I’ll show how it connects.
Let me preface this by saying I watched Friends again not too long ago and I think we can all clearly see now that the '90s and early 2000s were a really hard time for body image and marginalized people. Okay? So trigger-warning if you decide to rewatch it. Also -sidenote - my least favorite characters when I was a teenager watching it (Joey and Phoebe) are now my favorites? How does that happen!?
And in case You haven’t recently watched season 3 of Friends and don’t quite remember the details, let me catch you up. So Ross and Rachel start to have relationship trouble because Rachels’ career is taking off and she’s working more with this colleague Mark. Ross being Ross is jealous and blames him for their problems. Then on their anniversary, Rachel has to work late so Ross decides to take a picnic basket to her office to celebrate with her there, not getting that she actually has to do work.
She makes him leave, and when they see each other later, she expects an apology for the way he's acting and he says "Is this about Mark?" which for her is the last straw. So she says it's time for them to take a break from each other. Ross is furious. He meets up with Joey and Chandler at a club and has a one night stand with a woman he meets there. In the morning, Rachel wants to get back together, but Ross has now just slept with this girl Chloe, and he's not sure whether to tell Rachel or lie to her. He eventually decides NOT to tell her, but as it turns out, in true sitcom style, Chloe and Gunther (the coffee shop guy) are of course roommates, and he's already told Rachel the whole story. Now she is furious.
This kicks off the never-ending saga of whether Ross’s actions were reasonable or inexcusable. Now to be fair, this is not going to be the most perfect analogy okay, but here’s what we what we can take from Ross and Rachels’ break:
We only want to take a break because we want to feel better - we want to stop the current negative emotion we’re feeling
Rachel has had enough of Ross being Ross - she just wants out. She’s feeling frustrated, annoyed, maybe even disappointed that he’s not respecting that she’s finally figuring out what she wants to do with her life and doing something that really matters to her.
It’s the same for us whenever we feel the need for a break from our weight loss program. We want a break because we want to feel better. That’s it. We just want to feel better. It’s really important to know that because taking a break or quitting will not actually make us feel better, except temporarily.
So let’s dive in on some of the specific reasons you might feel like you need a break so this is super relevant to you.
You are tired of your protocol. You’re sick of meal prep maybe or eating boring food. You don’t want to feel bored. So your brain says let’s take a break and make it more interesting by eating exciting food. Food that’s highly palatable - let’s do take out. And you are less bored. You’re less bored because now your food is more exciting AND you’re less bored because you have more problems to solve around your weight loss journey too. You have drama around not losing weight - why am I not losing weight, why does this always happen and why can’t I stick to anything? There must be a deep, underlying reason hidden in my psyche that if I could just unlock, I could figure this out and finally lose weight. Nope. It’s just boring. The answer is weight loss is super boring. You just eat food that serves your body in appropriate quantities and it’s likely not going to be exciting or even that interesting on a daily basis. If you didn’t need a break from being bored with your food - if your food was just nourishment for your body and helped you live your life, how might that change your expectations of what food needs to be in your life? Let it be boring.
You might be sick of thinking about weight loss all the time. Your brain is in protest about planning your meals ahead of time or what you’re going to do at the bbq this weekend. You’d rather not get on the scale and have to manage your thoughts on the fact that it’s stayed the same for four days straight even though you’re doing everything “right.” It take so much effort right? So much mental energy. But what’s the alternative right? Either we’re directing our thoughts on how to get what we want or we’re thinking about the fact that we don’t have what we want. If you’re sick of thinking about anything, that’s a indication that those thoughts are creating a negative emotion so we can either make peace with the thoughts - allow them to be there, we can make peace with the emotion, allow that to be there or we can do something different. We can think of it differently and uplevel our thinking or we can take action - try something new.
Maybe you need a break because you’re tired of being the odd one out - the only person who’s not drinking or the one in your family that won’t eat the pasta. You just want to fit in and not be noticed or draw attention to yourself. This discomfort is real but it’s likely very much blown up in your mind. What if it’s really no big deal at all? What if this next version of you cares more about following through, having her own back and feeling good in her body and about her choices than she cares about what someone else MIGHT be thinking about the fact she’s not drinking or having dessert.
Lastly maybe you’re just feeling done with having to say no to yourself - with the deprivation. So there’s a lot to unpack with this one but I’ll be brief. First access if you’re saying no to yourself appropriately - by that I mean is your weight loss protocol, how you’re eating sustainably. If it’s not something you could conceivably do for the next 3 years, then it’s likely too restrictive and you don’t just need a break from it you need to find a new plan that will nourish your body and allow your body to get to your natural weight even if that’s at a slower pace than you’d like. You won’t get anywhere with a plan that’s not sustainable anyway - you’ll just gain the weight right back. So don’t waste your time on a plan like that. Next is if you do have a sustainable plan but you’re feeling lots of deprivation - ask yourself why. Why do you feel deprived? Deprivation is a feeling so it’s always caused by a thought. You believe it’s not fair that you can’t eat that food. And of course you can. So don’t let your brain tell you that lie - that you can’t. And you’ll say well I want to lose weight! Okay - so either you decide you don’t really want the food - what you really want it to lose weight OR you decide you’re up for feeling deprived. How much deprivation are you willing to feel? Have you even thought about that. What if you were just willing to feel that and not make it mean something terrible about your life? What if you decided you were going to allow yourself to feel deprived today - we’re not worried about tomorrow or the next 6 months. Just today. When you get good at this - you’ll notice you feel deprived a lot less often. You may not have less negative emotion - to be fair but you may see what’s deeper - what’s really going on for you emotionally when you remove overeating and the drama around being deprived. Maybe you’re feeling deprived because you’re hungry? And you have thoughts about this physical sensation. How can you befriend hunger so that it’s nothing more than a communication tool from your body. You’re either feeding your body with food or you’re feeding your body with the stored food you already have in the form of your thighs! One more note on this I think you might find helpful - notice when your brain is telling you that you’ve been experiencing deprivation for too long. Like you might say, I’ve been deprived all week, I can’t take it any longer I’m just going to have the thing. As if there is an accumulation of deprivation that has been building up all week. That’s not possible though. You cannot experience the deprivation you felt last Monday, today. Just as you cannot experience the joy from your last trip. You can remember it and you can think the thoughts that produce joy now, but it’s not the same joy - because you’re at a different point in time. There is no such thing as an accumulation of deprivation. If you’re feeling more intense deprivation on Friday than on Monday that might be because you have a story about how hard it has been for you this week and how you are so deprived - the thinking you’re having at this moment in time is creating that emotion. Emotions don’t accumulate - they are felt in real time. Nothing is built up but your story about it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel intense right - but it’s important to remember that.
Okay now back to Ross and Rachel
What we do while we are taking a break will have consequences. When Rachel finds out what Ross did she no longer wants to get back together. The things we do when we’re taking a break like not weighing ourselves, not paying attention to what we’re eating, how often we’re eating or how much we’re eating, not moving our bodies, not doing regular thought work and managing our minds, we’re still creating results for ourselves. Often they are not the results we want but we feel better temporarily. We might even think - well this one thing won’t make a difference - it’s just a mini break. And as a client pointed out recently - that’s a really convincing justification because it’s so easy to believe - yeah that ONE thing probably won’t make a difference to reaching my long term goal. But it also won’t bring me closer to it. You’ll know based on your results - you’ll know if what you’re doing is working or not based on your weight loss. If you’re not releasing weight AND you’re making these justifications often, you know exactly what to change. Don’t beat yourself up about this. This is a human thing - not a YOU thing okay? We all want to feel better in the short term often at the expense of the long term. That’s why it’s really helpful to be thinking of weekly goals and doing your Daily 15 - your daily thought work to touch base with your goals. What’s one thing I’ll commit to today to bring me closer. Just asking that one simple question every day will literally have a massive impact. Most people will not do this. Most people with continue to justify their current results without doing the work - the sometime TEDIOUS work like this. But not you right? You’ve been with me this long, you’re so much further ahead.
We can beat ourselves up about what we do while we’re taking a break for way too long. The "break" continued to plague Ross and Rachel for years, and they weren't able to get fully back together until the series finale, SEVEN seasons later. Maybe you’ve heard this relationship advice before, it’s not that you won’t fight or that you should avoid conflict - the strength of your relationship isn’t indicated by that - it’s about whether you repair and how you go about repairing the connection after a conflict that really matters and determines the health and longevity of your relationship. The sooner you can forgive yourself and have some compassion, the stronger the relationship with yourself will be. The sooner you will be able to learn from what happened, and take the next action.
Often we feel burnt out and need a break because we’ve been resisting negative emotion instead of processing and feeling our emotions. We don’t make any room for negative emotion - if we start feeling any kind of negative emotion we immediately want to change our state. We think we need to fix it and either blame ourselves for being unhappy or blame the world that we’re not satisfied. Instead of accepting this is part of being a human, we reject it and distract ourselves with anything other than feeling what we’re starting to feel. This is exhausting and leads to burnout and needing a break. The more you can open up to ALL of your feelings and be okay with it being there - even asking what it’s here to teach you, the less you’ll be fighting with reality.
Even when it’s really clear as in this case, Rachel clearly said we’re on a break- It can be confusing to know when you’re taking a break or not - our brains can be really tricky. Sometimes it sneaks up on you with tiny little breaks that collect over time and then a month has gone by and you’re up 5lbs. What happened? It can happen when you’re frequently eating a little over what’s comfortable in your body, making more allowances for exceptions or snacking in between meals. You haven’t decided to intentionally quit - to take a break completely, but you’re not doing enough of what’s required for your body to release fat. Maybe you’re not giving your body a rest from food, allowing some hunger. Your body is taking a break from releasing fat. However, there will be times when you really, really feel like you need a break, like maybe you’re working double shifts at work or you’re exhausted from being up with a newborn or you’re going away on holidays for a couple of weeks. My suggestion here is to create a minimum standard for yourself. What’s the minimum you will do toward your weight loss goal. This is especially helpful for those of us who experience anxiety or depression or are simply going through an extremely stressful time. In this case, maybe your minimum standard is to simply get out for a 5 min walk, have balanced meals and drink a ton of water throughout the day. You’re not setting the bar at 2 meals, no flour and working out every day. No - you think about what’s reasonable given your energy and mental state and set yourself up for success. Anything you do above and beyond your minimum is bonus. But this way you are winning the whole time.
Okay let’s do a quick recap.
The only reason you would ever feel like you need a break is because you want to feel better. Of course you do, the only problem is that taking a break is taking a break from yourself, from your emotions and the truth of your life. And it’s only temporary anyways.
You can prevent needing a break by making sure what you’re doing to release the weight is sustainable and you decide that you’re up for some discomfort - both physical and emotional. You make peace with that part of it. Those obstacles are simply going to be part of your success story and the sooner you can get your brain on board with that, the easier it’s going to feel.
And if you’re in a time of life in which you really do need to take a break, then think about what your minimum standard of care for yourself will be so that you continue to feel your best given what you’re going through.